Horrible analogies

I few years ago, I was a huge fan of improv show where the performers asked the audience to write random phrases in a piece of paper. At some part of the play, the actors took a piece of paper, read it aloud, and perform accordingly. Like, in the middle of a love story, just before the kiss, the guy pull the tiny paper and say “I’ll kiss you, but I have diarrhea”

I just saw this post on 9GAG with terrible analogies and it reminded me that show. I could totally imagine @bryanlunduke saying one of those phrases during the show, or using them in one of his books. My favourite: “Her eyes were like stars, not because they twinkle, but because they were so far apart”

As always, if the community would like to add a few more terrible analogies to this list… more than welcome.

My granny used to say: “Look into my eyes, and call me sausage…”

Makes me think of one of my favorite movies…

“His guts oozed nice, like a melted malted.”

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Very common in my country, and I’ll try to translate it

“This conversation is longer than a snake’s fart”

Substitute conversation according to the situation.

I don’t know about bad analogies, but I had some friends who used weird mixed metaphors. 'That’s three cat’s panjamas in the bush"

That kind of thing.

Or a 40 year old Joe Walsh album title: The Smoker You Drink, the Player You Get

His reply left me as confused as Adam on Mother’s Day…

My rage made me feel as dangerous as a monkey with scissors…

The water pipe was so plugged, it dribbled like an old man with prostate issues.

That reminded me:

“I was hanging there, like an old man’s ballsack…”

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